When this woman is furious with her husband and FIL, she asks the internet: Lotta context the character limit cuts off, but here's the gist: My husband and I are expecting our first child, which I knew would be a really sensitive issue as his own mother died in childbirth with him. We met with a marriage counselor to talk things through at the beginning, and he swears he’s been seeing his own therapist twice a month throughout my pregnancy. I don’t want to call him a liar, but I’m fairly sure he’s either not going or not talking about the big issue—he and his father (a hugely active part of our lives) are COMPLETELY convinced that I’m going to die in childbirth. They won’t openly admit it, but their behavior has reached the point where it’s constantly making me feel stressed and uncomfortable. When it was husband saying “please make sure your life insurance is up to date” and “I’d like you to meet with a lawyer and draft a will”, I was like “that’s kind of intense but ok, if that makes you feel better”. When husband asked me to go through all of my possessions and “inventory” what I wanted to be saved for the baby vs. what I would want to be returned to my family in the event of my death, I put my foot down and said absolutely not. Too morbid. No way. My FIL (who lives a few blocks away and eats dinner with us 2-4 nights a week) got on my case about how I was making things “difficult” for my husband in the event that he will be a grieving widower with a newborn. I’m just gonna add here that I’ve had a completely complication-free pregnancy and have NO REASON to think I will die screaming in the coming weeks. When I tell my husband this, he calls me paranoid, but I feel like my FIL WANTS me to die; his whole life identity for the past 35 years has been “amazing single dad” (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really), and it seems like he’s looking forward to being able to guide my husband through what he went through. At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my FIL again, and I certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural or laughing gas. He’s a commanding presence and I know that whatever he wants in the delivery room, he will get (I know people will say “oh L&D nurses would never let that happen!” but you haven’t met this man)."AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?"
My husband, in addition to backing his dad on everything, acts like my due date is my death date, and has completely pulled away from me. Every minute with him is morbid, stressful, and a reminder that our marriage seems to be crumbling.
No matter how many times I tell him his behavior makes me stressed and upset, it’s just getting worse, and I do NOT want it around me while I’m concentrating on giving birth.
Do I owe it to my husband to let him stress and upset me during labor? Is his presence at the birth more important than a safe and healthy delivery? My therapist says “no”, but this whole thing has been so weird I feel like I need some outside perspective.
fa*gauy0 writes:
NTA. You and your husband might need to go back to counseling to discuss all of this. Especially your FIL saying he won't "allow" you to get an epidural?? Wtf?? I've had two epidurals, they were wonderful. The second time I went from dry heaving and writhing around in pain, to actually being able to be calm and present and focus on my breathing during labor.
It is absolutely crazy to me that your FIL thinks he would be invited in the delivery room to begin with? I see this on r/ babybumps and justnomil all the time, too. Why on earth do so many inlaws/parents think birth is a spectator sport?
I'm extremely close with my mom and I did NOT want her to see me give birth. Please keep talking about this with your therapist at least. I'm so sorry they're doing this to you during what should be a happy and exciting time, it's a shame they are letting their inability to deal with past trauma ruin this for you.
agahdy87 writes:
Here's some outside perspective- Your husband and FIL have got you in an extremely abusive situation. Don't listen to any posters on here who try to tell you that your husband is just a poor scared guy who needs your sympathy and understanding. He does not care that this impacts your health.
If he did, he would have done much, much more to fix his issues. Your husband calls you paranoid and backs his father on everything. You've been so gaslit and isolated by them and their dynamic that you can't imagine anyone standing up to your FIL, even nurses who have a legal obligation to do so.
You are questioning if you "owe" your husband to let him stress you, a pregnant woman. He should never make you feel that you are obligated to suffer from how he treats you. He should never, ever make you feel that you must consider that maybe his presence is more important than your healthy delivery. That alone is abuse.
Still not convinced? Your FIL thinks he can control your medical decisions about epidurals, pain relief, and other interventions during your delivery, and your husband backs him up. That is more abuse.
And since he escalated it during your pregnancy, it is not going to go away after the baby is born.
It is appalling that you feel that your FIL wants you to die. But your instinct is not wrong. It is appalling that your husband and FIL have sided themselves against you over a fantasy of your death.
The problems go deeper than the immediate. Your husband is in no frame of mind for you to actually SURVIVE the birth. His "paranoia" serves an escapist purpose for him.
How is he gonna handle it when you actually do survive, and instead of some sainted memory, he has a real, sleep-deprived, healing woman, taking up space, having moods, getting up at 2 am for a crying newborn? Do you think he will take care of you?
It reminds me of a friend who, when he was a child, got the idea from somewhere that the world was going to end in a year. So he stopped doing his homework and was mentally unprepared when the world actually kept going.
NTA a thousand times over. If you have anybody on your side of the family you trust, you need to stay with them and you need them to help you in enforcing your rights. Get a pregnancy advocate too if you can.
Update:
This is a long overdue update. I know I worried everyone, and I’m grateful every day for every ounce of concern that was sent my way.
I’ll be completely honest- I forgot the login information for my other account, and fussing about a throwaway Reddit account wasn’t the highest priority in my life at the time.
TLDR; I had a beautiful and healthy baby girl, and I divorced my ex-husband. I lived, obviously.
To get right into it, I was unfortunately right about my suspicion that my ex wasn’t going to therapy.
I sat down with him and very firmly put my foot down about my mother being my support person in the delivery room alongside him, and that my (thankfully!) ex-FIL was not to be anywhere near the delivery room.
I also was very adamant that I was getting an epidural and ex-FIL had no say about any medical procedures I may take. I also told him that I was seeking my own therapist, as his and his father’s actions were worrying me.
My ex-husband didn’t take it well, to put it simply. I had never heard him shout at me like that, and it scared me a little. My fury outweighed my fear not long after, however.
He told me I didn’t need a therapist, that he was just trying to be prepared. I admittedly lost my temper, and told him that I wasn’t going to die- it wasn’t my fault his father’s trauma wormed it’s way into his head, and that he needed to fix it without taking it out on me.
He yelled at me that he didn’t need therapy. That caught me a little off guard; I asked him why he went to his therapist and was given advice about my death if he felt he didn’t need it. His expression gave it away, and he caved not long after.
It turns out there was no therapist. It was just his dad. During the times he was supposed to be at therapy, he was with his dad. I’m still fuming.
In the end, I gave him a choice. He could either go to therapy, or I was leaving. I had enough of their delusions. He chose to refuse therapy, and I packed my things and stayed with my mother.
At that point, I still wasn’t planning on divorce- I had hoped that we could possibly fix our marriage as naive as it sounds. But my ex decided that if he couldn’t convince me to go back, then he would get his father and the rest of his family to do it. I had to change my number due to the amount of harassment and vitriol they hurled at me.
In the end, it was just my mother in the delivery room as I gave birth. I’m thankful for the nursing staff- they were a godsend, and I felt safe that neither my ex or his father would get even remotely close to the room without my say-so.
The divorce is still ongoing, so I can’t give too many details on that front but I have hopes that we can work out a tentative co-parenting agreement. My ex isn’t a bad father, he loves our baby girl. But our relationship is done. And as long as I live, ex-FIL will never be near my daughter.
I’ll wrap this up- I’ve got an adorable little toddler tugging at my leg atm. I’m alive, I’m happy, and I’ve got my baby in my arms. Life is good.
Sources: Reddit
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